just a moment of emo, thx

[moominmolly]

This weekend was my first time visiting Open Studios, ever. I never wandered around it before trying to exhibit, and then later I got caught up in my crazy portrait experiment. But I needed a year off. I flirted with this last year, taking an hour to go visit Vernon Street with longueur, and this year I just took the whole damn weekend. And it was great! I finally saw the Museum of Modern Renaissance, and Hilary Scott's house, and miss_chance's studio. I got ideas upon ideas, which is (oddly) what I've been missing. I'm trying to hit my art reset button. I still love portraits - but I need to do something deeper, or bigger, than what I have been doing. What? I don't know.

I'm needing to hit a lot of reset buttons, recently. I'm closer to the edge than I like to be: less generous, less flexible, less crazy. It feels like being on the cusp of a Big Change. It feels like a growth spurt looks like, when my kid goes through them. Suddenly everything is huge; tomorrow, maybe I'll be someone else. I worry, of course, that in the meantime I'm shortchanging everyone and everything: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you for being here, and listening, even when I'm hiding under a blanket, even when I'm crying in the cleaning-supplies aisle of Rite-Aid for no reason.

I went on a solo bike ride Saturday morning. This is the first time in years that I've set out on a ride just for the sake of riding. I had a course planned - just a simple 50-55 miles - and I thought, this'll be great. I can be back by noon, and I'll feel super accomplished. But after only about 10 miles, my traitorous ankles started acting up. I had to stop by the side of the road and stretch, and massage, and snack, and stretch some more, and set my sights lower. After about 14 miles, I had to stop again. More stretching, more snacking, more scaling back. In the end, it was just under 30 miles. I should be proud - a healthy ride! Hours of biking! I iced my ankles afterward and then took a nap. It was good for me - a good start. But I guess I can't ride 60 miles cold, anymore. No matter; I'll do what I can. I'll try again. I'll be good to myself, and keep trying, because I had forgotten how quiet and meditative hours-long rides can be. But: why can't I hold everything at once? There is so much, and really hardly any me at all.

Comments

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

I feel like some parts of my brain are almost being re-arranged, and I don't even know where they will eventually settle. I have some hints of the shape, but the process really *does* feel just like the disorientation my kids have in growth spurts.

This is pretty much all I know...