just a moment of emo, thx

[moominmolly]

This weekend was my first time visiting Open Studios, ever. I never wandered around it before trying to exhibit, and then later I got caught up in my crazy portrait experiment. But I needed a year off. I flirted with this last year, taking an hour to go visit Vernon Street with longueur, and this year I just took the whole damn weekend. And it was great! I finally saw the Museum of Modern Renaissance, and Hilary Scott's house, and miss_chance's studio. I got ideas upon ideas, which is (oddly) what I've been missing. I'm trying to hit my art reset button. I still love portraits - but I need to do something deeper, or bigger, than what I have been doing. What? I don't know.

I'm needing to hit a lot of reset buttons, recently. I'm closer to the edge than I like to be: less generous, less flexible, less crazy. It feels like being on the cusp of a Big Change. It feels like a growth spurt looks like, when my kid goes through them. Suddenly everything is huge; tomorrow, maybe I'll be someone else. I worry, of course, that in the meantime I'm shortchanging everyone and everything: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you for being here, and listening, even when I'm hiding under a blanket, even when I'm crying in the cleaning-supplies aisle of Rite-Aid for no reason.

I went on a solo bike ride Saturday morning. This is the first time in years that I've set out on a ride just for the sake of riding. I had a course planned - just a simple 50-55 miles - and I thought, this'll be great. I can be back by noon, and I'll feel super accomplished. But after only about 10 miles, my traitorous ankles started acting up. I had to stop by the side of the road and stretch, and massage, and snack, and stretch some more, and set my sights lower. After about 14 miles, I had to stop again. More stretching, more snacking, more scaling back. In the end, it was just under 30 miles. I should be proud - a healthy ride! Hours of biking! I iced my ankles afterward and then took a nap. It was good for me - a good start. But I guess I can't ride 60 miles cold, anymore. No matter; I'll do what I can. I'll try again. I'll be good to myself, and keep trying, because I had forgotten how quiet and meditative hours-long rides can be. But: why can't I hold everything at once? There is so much, and really hardly any me at all.

Comments

[eestiplika.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

No matter; I'll do what I can. I'll try again. I'll be good to myself, and keep trying [...]

I am terrible at this exact thing -- my totalitarian nature hates getting back on the horse -- and therefore admire this about you. I hope the growing is as easy and fruitful as it can be.

[arachne8x.livejournal.com]

I have been working on my hoop skills and watched the Hoopnotica dvd. The people on the dvd told me that hooping is something that takes practice and not to let a negative inner monologue get me down. I developed some bruises in the practice and it's apparently important not to hoop on bruises. I am listening to the suggestion on the dvd and not letting a negative inner monologue to get me down... I'm practicing with an imaginary hoop to develop strength, and I'm looking forward to when the bruises are gone.

This is my way of saying, I know some of what you are going through. I've been feeling brittle and burnt out. I've been doing more bingey eating (something I don't do usually at all). And I know that the way forward is taking care of myself, taking baby steps, getting up again when I fall, and being gentle with myself. But it is hard to do so. Every time I fall I wonder how I'm going to get back up this time.

So I'm listening too. And I am hearing you. I'm glad you are working through these things and being kind to yourself.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling closer to the edge lately; I know that sucks majorly. But I love it that you're thinking of it as a growth spurt; that's such a great way to look at it. I hope that once this period of change is over, you'll feel better.

*hug*

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

"It feels like being on the cusp of a Big Change. It feels like a growth spurt looks like, when my kid goes through them. Suddenly everything is huge; tomorrow, maybe I'll be someone else. I worry, of course, that in the meantime I'm shortchanging everyone and everything"

I feel so much this.

[gosling.livejournal.com]

Me too.

[veek.livejournal.com]

I love that you try again, and that you do what you can, and that you do it all the way you do.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Thank you and thank you, and thank you.

[jasra]

I've been going through this as well. Rebuilding strength and habits are hard. I'm super impressed that you pushed on sensibly and then had a nap. :D

[gosling.livejournal.com]

I am *so* going through this too, and I don't think I really realized it until you posted this.

I feel like some parts of my brain are almost being re-arranged, and I don't even know where they will eventually settle. I have some hints of the shape, but the process really *does* feel just like the disorientation my kids have in growth spurts.

And I suspect no-one can really hold everything at once all of the time, maybe not even most of the time; it just sometimes looks like they can from the outside.

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

I feel like some parts of my brain are almost being re-arranged, and I don't even know where they will eventually settle. I have some hints of the shape, but the process really *does* feel just like the disorientation my kids have in growth spurts.

This is pretty much all I know...

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Re-arranged, yes! So odd, so odd.

[hakamadare.livejournal.com]

peripherally: one of the reasons why i so love the Dictionary of Numbers Chrome extension is because, for example, it annotated your post as follows:

I guess I can't ride 60 miles [≈ width of the Bering Strait] cold, anymore

which, at least to me, put a bit of a different perspective on the situation.

i wish you the best! i hope you can take away from that ride more of the "set out on a ride just for the sake of riding", and less of the "i can't do as much as i think i should".

-steve

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's a marvelous perspective, and thank you. :)

I am definitely mostly in the "good" camp regarding that ride, and everything. I just needed to write it down to give myself that slack, I think.

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

"Suddenly everything is huge; tomorrow, maybe I'll be someone else."
Oh, yes.
Sounds like a lot of people are going through this. Maybe we should have a "meet the new me!" party in a couple of months.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Hah! I would totally go to that party. :)

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

::reading and sympathizing::

Thank you for putting this into words.

[fanw.livejournal.com]

"There is so much, and really hardly any me at all"

This. I realize that there are so many obligations that I no longer sing or dance or do those things that defined me before. And my coworkers have never been to a Shakespeare reading, and wouldn't know what to do with one if invited, and are surprised when I mention such things.

Someday soon I need to be myself again.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

The long slow return to myself is so hard. And I didn't even switch careers and get a big crazy degree!

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

I'm closer to the edge than I like to be: less generous, less flexible, less crazy

*assumes I don't have point out the irony in this statement?* :)

just a simple 50-55 miles

You're funny.

[laura47.livejournal.com]

even 30 miles is so far beyond my ability as to be ludicrous and quite impressive to me. :)

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

I had meant to be poking fun at myself for thinking 50+ miles was "nothing", and that 30 was somehow beneath thinking about. :)

[amber-phoenix.livejournal.com]

This world, so much more often interesting than gentle. You are good to yourself, and you keep trying. Perfect.

I can't wait to see who you become next, and how your art evolves. I'm also happy to hide under a blanket with you, if that part of growing ever wants quiet company.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

I would take interesting over gentle, to be sure. I guess that's one of the reasons I like this world.

And I will take you up on that blanket-hiding.

[rising-moon.livejournal.com]

_I'm needing to hit a lot of reset buttons, recently._

What's fantastic is that you are open about it, and communicate what and when you need to change something -- so people who care about you know to give you the buffer space.

Every once in a while you just need to surround yourself with beautiful things.