Hm.

[moominmolly]

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't quite have enough slack -- in your soul, in your life, in your self-image, in the fabric of your relationships, in whatever is your limiting factor -- and that that lack of slack makes it harder for you to be willing to risk making the tiny mistakes that are part of the give-and-take of a healthy life?

And so you just stand there, doing nothing, trying not to mess anything up more than you obviously have to, until one day you realize you haven't done anything for a million years and anyway you aren't quite sure you remember how?

Yeah, so, THEN what do you do?

Comments

[pseydtonne.livejournal.com]

Honestly? I take a nap. Nothing makes the world quieter than waking up from a half-hour nap.

I won't let myself stew on the problem until I've had some unconscious me-time.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Naps are wonderful, and I am definitely underslept, but there's no one single problem I'm having that needs mulling. It's just a general brittleness and emotional conservatism that I don't love (or even recognize) in myself.

That said, thank you for the reminder about sleep. I will keep working on that one. :)

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

Do you know of Martha Beck? She's a life coach who has written some books I think well of, and she also has a monthly column. I like her a lot better than most writers of self-help books, because instead of taking a tone like, "I am an expert, and you are a peon, and I will give you the benefit of my wisdom," her tone is more like, "I'm so fucked up that I had to figure this out or die. You probably aren't quite as fucked up as that, but the things I figured out might help you, too." Plus, she's often screamingly funny.

She wrote a recent column on burnout, and she had some great things to say about sleep:

Sleep as if your life depends on it
Some people feel superior when they work around the clock. This is like proudly pouring Tabasco sauce in your eyes. Sleep makes you smarter, better-looking, more creative. It can add years to your life. It does more to improve the long-term quality of that life than money, fancy vacations, or hot sex.

She goes on, but you probably don't want me to type the whole column here. :-)

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I just signed up for her newsletter on the strength of that quote.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Turns out her blog feed is also syndicated to LJ, at martha_beck. :-)

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

THat was my first thought, too.

Barring a nap, go outside into the woods.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I say to myself, "I guess I'm really not the risk-taking type." And then I go learn another language.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Oh dude actually that might help a lot. I love language-learning. It lights up all of my reward centers.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I might finally be running up against diminishing returns with this approach, however. At first I was all excited about teaching the Rabbi German, but my preparation for yesterday's lesson was just shambolic. And I kinda want to pick up Swedish again and I kinda don't.

[vizsludraugas.livejournal.com]

Maybe you could learn Old English? (http://www.tha-engliscan-gesithas.org.uk/old-english-correspondence-course)

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

Woohoo! Whoever you are, I like you.

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

Get someone else to take one of your responsibilities for a bit. Get a sitter, cancel some work, bow out of a social engagement, whatever.
Then go walk down a street you never have walked down before.
Kiss someone new.
Or just curl up with that trashy romance you haven't had time to read in ages.

At least that's what I advise, not what I end up doing. Because yeah, I spend a lot of time there.

Also, adorable icon.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

This is a great list. I've actually been spending the last few weeks doing a bunch of these, and I suppose the positive spin here is that it has given me the flexibility to see exactly what situation I have been in for months.

Yesterday I spent the whole day in my pajamas, puttering about the house and chatting and making tomato sauce, and then I put on my clothes at 6 PM and went out to a fun concert. I think maybe I need to not travel for a while, and not plan any more enormous projects, and just spend some time being me.

[redheadedmuse.livejournal.com]

california.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

I love that plan. It totally just worked for me. I'm a lot better off than I was a month ago.

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

However: this plan works a lot better if "california" is "fun times with friends" and not, say, "go to a conference, work a couple of 16-hour days with dubious nutrition and daily alcohol, take redeye home". I mean, just sayin'.

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

Or "Wake up everyday at 4am because the toddler doesn't understand time zones, then have no break from childcare all day long because none of the other adults are comfortable changing a diaper or saying no."

I mean, it was still awesome to not have to cook or clean for a week, and to have a back yard, but I think I came back tireder than I went.

[amber-phoenix.livejournal.com]

I think, for some of us, you may mean "camberville", but I haven't figured out how to test the theory.

[redheadedmuse.livejournal.com]

well, that space that used to be a crowded storage attic in Luke's old house is now a beautiful guest room. yours when you want it.

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

Move across the country, obviously.

...my advice: not broadly useful.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

But it's a common enough approach that it reminds me: I love major life overhauls and I haven't had one in a while.

[amadea.livejournal.com]

When I get in those situations of tightness and lack-of-slack, unfortunately, it usually results in a larger-than-normal amount of things getten torn, ripped, spilled on, trimmed roughly at the edges, bruised, and the corners lopped off. Then I have more room!!!! This is not necessarily a great approach, but it helps that I go into most situations with the idea in mind that I will, at some point, need a little bit of give that I won't know how to pre-emptively ask for. It's the life equivalent of thrift-store furniture.

[veek.livejournal.com]

I hold my breath and dive.

(Unless I don't.)

Love you.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

Yes.

I mope, sulk, get cranky, cry a lot, talk to everyone I know (almost), avoid talking to people who I know are likely to upset me (intentionally or not), go for walks, write lists, make tiny things, and try to get someone to collaborate with me on something (anything).

[entrope.livejournal.com]

Every fucking day, since either Simone was born or I started homeschooling Sabine. I'm not really sure which it was. I really hate that feeling, too.

I think that fixing my brain chemistry (and getting enough sleep) was the thing that's helped it the most.

Also, I know this might be a strange answer, kinky sex (both power exchange and straight-up sensation) and yoga both help that feeling A LOT. Maybe because they all involve a deep, meditative concentration.

p.s. we still have dinner every night! We also take the dog for walks. Sometimes a conversation, a hug, and a walk with someone who needs absolutely nothing from you is just the thing. If that might work, please, just come on by.

[kcatalyst.livejournal.com]

Lately, what I do is figure out which of the overwhelming projects to throw money at, and commence throwing. Also, I start repeating "they sleep all night eventually" over and over. While both of these are specific to my situation, I think the broader strategies of "find ways to make it simpler" and "remember phases aren't forever" are pretty useful generally.

[twoeleven.livejournal.com]

I usually take a day off. I could use one about now three weeks ago.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

If you're starting to feel smothered by your own life, that's a big sign that something needs to change.

I've seen people stay stuck in smothering situations because they thought that the world would go to hell if they didn't continue doing what they were doing, and they were too responsible to allow that to happen. Then they got sick and HAD to stop, in a far less graceful fashion than a planned withdrawal would have allowed.

I've seen people stay stuck in smothering situations because perfect people do it ALL, don't you know, and being imperfect would be just too awful to contemplate. Then they had a breakdown and had to take a year off or die.

I've seen people stay stuck in smothering situations because their lives had boiled them like a frog. (You know the old joke about boiling a frog, right?) Once some sort of circumstance forced them out, they realized how bad things had really gotten.

I'm sure there are other reasons, too, but being over-responsible and/or perfectionistic are often the biggies for people like us.

So, Step 1 is to ask yourself two questions:
1. What aspect of your life is making you feel smothered?
2. What keeps you putting up with that smothered feeling, rather than changing your life?

*Hugs* and best wishes!

I don't get out much, but if you ever want to come over and talk to me about stuff, I'm here.

[chaggalagirl.livejournal.com]

having been that person who was almost smothered by her own life... yes. wow.

in addition to those questions, my advice is be brave enough to follow through with the answers. make that change yourself consciously before you/the universe does it for you. because that way might not be the most awesome. but it will definitely get the job done.

[eestiplika.livejournal.com]

Move to Boston.
Oh, wait. I'm so glad you're here! :)

"I think maybe I need to not travel for a while, and not plan any more enormous projects, and just spend some time being me." - i love this. That sounds lovely.

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

Quit some things. (And yeah, I've felt super-brittle off and on these last few months. Oh hai I just submitted the last chapter of the manuscript that was due last month! only one more super-overdue commitment to go...)

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

YES. Yes yes yes yes. Really, like, there is not enough room in this comment box for all the yes.

Things I have done that appeared to actually help (an extremely tiny subset of the things I have tried):

*Picked the one thing would most improve my life. My answers on this are inconsistent, which I try to assume is a sign that I'm actually making progress, but they often involve getting some space of one kind or another, and sometimes knowing what kind of space I need is itself useful.

*Exercised my power to be smarter about the future than the present. The best way for me to get anything done -- including, you know, sleeping and not-doing-anything -- is to commit to it ahead of time, because damn if in the moment the shiny doesn't always win.

*Ask someone else what the heck it is that helps me feel awesome anyway. Or, when I actually am feeling awesome, sometimes I'm together enough to write myself notes for when I'm feeling totally un-awesome, saying things like "here is what helps you feel better right this minute" and "here are instructions for long-term care and feeding." Seriously, I keep them in a Google doc.

*Get weird, hippie alternative medical care. Acupuncture particularly works for me on this front, although I cannot 100% swear that it is not because it forces me to lie on a table and do exactly nothing with no one for a whole hour at a time. But I think that's only about 80% of it and the other 20% is needle magic.

*Done some incredibly annoying self-development exercises, gotten mad, ripped up the papers, sulked for a few months, and then finally admitted the thing that had to change. (But I can't recommend this approach, despite its eventual success.)

[veek.livejournal.com]

Or, when I actually am feeling awesome, sometimes I'm together enough to write myself notes for when I'm feeling totally un-awesome

This is close to some advice I got about work ruts. These days I keep a zombie list, for when I'm feeling like a... well, you know. It involves 3-4 things I can do that (a) only take a few minutes, (b) usually get put off and build up, and (c) are productive. Doing one of them when I'm stuck throws me into a different gear and often actually wakes me up.

The other thing on the zombie list is a single rule that serves as a reminder of how I avoid being a zombie. In my case, it's "get enough sleep." If I have to look at that rule in the midst of being a zombie, then I have to follow it that night, even if it means a last-minute change of plans.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

That's damnably clever.

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

I love this, and not just because it has the words zombie list in it.

[khedron.livejournal.com]

*Exercised my power to be smarter about the future than the present. The best way for me to get anything done -- including, you know, sleeping and not-doing-anything -- is to commit to it ahead of time, because damn if in the moment the shiny doesn't always win.


This parallels some of the advice in the book I'm reading(*). Block out time for things like sleep, socializing, exercise, and then see how work (in whatever form it takes) can flow around that. Given that exercise, sleep, and socializing are the first things to go for me when things get remotely rough, I can see that. And if I were *more productive* at work, then I can see getting more done while still having time to do all those other "inessential" things.

(*) The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play (http://www.amazon.com/Now-Habit-Overcoming-Procrastination-Guilt-Free/dp/1585425524/)

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

I flee the country, take up casual sex, or quit my job and start therapy.

Historically, anyway. Next time? Who knows.

[zsquirrelboy.livejournal.com]

Fail.
Accept it.
Apologize, if necessary.
Forgive yourself for this.
Repeat, if necessary.

Slack obtained, sleep, and start doing everything else.

[dpolicar]

Well, so, typically what I do is stand there, doing nothing, trying not to mess anything up more than I obviously have to, while the clock ticks.

But what I do on the extremely atypical occasions when I don't do that is do something I don't think I'll succeed at.

Usually it involves theatre.

Hm...

[zsquirrelboy.livejournal.com]

I'm speaking in my own coded language, perhaps. Fail isn't big fail explosion, meltdown, etc. It's a a soft but purposeful failure: cancel a date, appointment, take a day off of work, just *not* doing something where you've let yourself believe that "if I don't do this I'll fail".

Take it. With things that tight failure will happen eventually anyway, and you don't get to choose.

Hopefully the rest makes more sense with that.

Re: Hm...

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

With things that tight failure will happen eventually anyway, and you don't get to choose.

This sentence keeps making me laugh, because it's so TRUE.

Re: Hm...

[harimad.livejournal.com]

Very powerful observation, this. It makes it very clear that not doing anything is a decision with consequences as well.

[rosefox]

I take a day off from everything. Two days, if I can help it. Clear the calendar, foist responsibilities off on other people, and most importantly, set aside my own preconceptions of what I might do on those days. Then I start absolutely from scratch, with the simplest decisions: Do I want to wake up or sleep in? I'm awake now; do I want to stay in bed or get up? I've gotten up; do I want to shower? I've showered; do I want to get dressed? And so on. I let my brain recover from being hemmed in by expectations--my own and other people's--and spend some time remembering what it's like to just do what I want to be doing.

After that, I find some things to say "no" to, either backing out of projects I've taken on or refusing to take on new ones. Saying "no" can be tremendously satisfying. I recommend it highly.

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

Please let me know when you figure that out, because it would be AMAZINGLY helpful for me!

[catya.livejournal.com]

no words of wisdom, but let me know if i can help. you could come walk our labyrinth...

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Huh! That's an idea.

[signsoflife.livejournal.com]

It might be useful to ask the people you spend the most time in conversation with, "What life-change have I been talking about doing for the past year, but haven't actually acted upon?"

Why haven't you done it?
Then why are you talking about it?
Have you noticed yourself talking about it, or have you suppressed it? Is it important but scary?

[harimad.livejournal.com]

I've done many things, the below is what actually works for me. YMMV. As I get older I get better at actually doing what works instead of surrendrring to inertia. Usually.

1. Am I getting enough sleep? If not, remember, when making schedule, to include 7-8 hrs of sleep.

2. Am I getting enough exercise? If not, make it a #1 or #2 priority for personal time. It makes an enormous difference to me: I get sick less often, I feel good for having done something positive, I am in better physical shape for the rest of life's challenges.

3. Think about what I WANT to do with my personal time. Think about what I MUST to do in my personal time. Observe what I ACTUALLY do with my personal time. Compare.

4. Now it's time to start making decisions.
- Must I do all the things I think must do? (ie, address prioritization)
- How can I spend less time doing what I must do? (ie, improve/streamline/minimize processes, or hire it out)
- Can I rearrange what I must do, to make useful time for what I want to do?

Here are some real life examples:
A must-do is parent, of course. But recently spouse and I realized that our kids don't take as much attention as they used to. So we decided we could do more solo parenting. Spouse went away to a friend's wedding one weekend. I do more errands or have dinner with a friend on a weeknight.

A must do for me is be trustee. But about a year ago a friend helped me realize that I didn't need to micro-supervise each and every financial decision; that's what the fiduciary is for. So I stopped micro-supervising and instead contribute to strategic decisions and monitor the overall health of the trust.

This one is a constant work in progress:
Thinking about how I actually spent my day, I realized that I rarely do anything useful after the kids go to sleep and - more foolishly - rarely did things I alleged to want to (such as talk with friends, knit, read substantive books). I also realized that I am productive in the morning before work. So I decided to go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, and do something productive before leaving for work. I fail at this a lot but I'm getting better and I feel good for doing it.

hth