lessons in uselessness

[moominmolly]

It is perhaps unfair that when you run out of cope, run out of ability to deal with the world, when you can't even get dressed or cut your own meat, it is the people closest to you who have to deal with your bitchy self-centered pain and drama about not being able to get dressed or cut your own meat. And by you, I mean me.

I had a sunburn of epic proportions, recently. Bad like I probably should have gone to the hospital bad, and even with ibuprofen and aloe and lidocaine I couldn't sleep well for days. Everything sucked, everything was hard. I was lucky enough to have taken a few days off of work already, and I'm lucky to have the kind of life where if I need to, I can sleep in (ha ha sleep) and get a couple extra hours of rest. I'm lucky to have the kind of relationship with my body where I know that even though driving and sitting in chairs is excruciating, biking 12 miles will be totally fine (and in fact, it was the best thing I did for my body the two days we did that). Good thing I did, too -- it's hard for me to be completely wiped out while simultaneously having my muscles screaming at me because I hadn't exercised. I was pretty much afraid to even show people my skin for a week, and even after that much time people would wince and gasp when I uncovered my back. It was a wreck. But it's basically healed now. I don't think I have any scars, though I bet I'll have the tanlines of that particular bathing suit for a year. Maybe more.

Saturday, I went canoeing with veek and N on a lake in Maine. The first island we got to had some broken glass, so we found another, where we clambered on rocks and ate huckleberries and blueberries (highbush and lowbush) and watched ducks jump up to gobble berries from high branches. It came time to go home and make food and eat supper and read stories, so we paddled all the way back. But for this three mile lake jaunt, I was in the back the whole way, using the same side the whole way, and not thinking about my arms at all. I followed this up with some failure to take advil and then recreational dehydration; this led to poor sleep, which led to a day of complete grouchiness until some time in the afternoon I realized that my left arm hurt so much I couldn't pick stuff up, even towels. I couldn't even point at things. I couldn't pick up my kid or use both hands to get myself water. This came as a complete surprise to me, which made me into a bit of a grouchopotamus, because my left hand? I use it a lot. It's Monday and I couldn't even imagine biking today, which sort of put a wrench into our plans to have another Family Bike Jaunt. But veek and spike took care of me, and dilletante takes care of me, and later I will ask ceelove if she can poke my arm at some point to tell me what I did and what I should do next. It feels just like muscle fatigue, but it's in a place where that is extremely inconvenient at best; will I be able to get to work tomorrow? Will I have to take the train?

I realize that these are pretty cushy problems -- two temporary, self-inflicted, stupidity-based injuries that will heal and go away, in an environment where I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help even when I hate accepting help and cry about it. But it SUCKS to not be able to live my life by myself. I am reminded of how much I disliked my own pregnancy-induced helplessness and all of its associated problems. I got my skin back, now I want my hand back. My body! Mine!

Comments

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

A reminder to everyone to appreciate what health you have, for as long as you have it.

These injuries were indeed temporary. But someday you'll start having injuries that have permanent effects, probably very minor ones at first.
I now have bad knees, because I exercised on a bike too hard for ten days
last year. Health doesn't last forever. It doesn't feel fair. But there it is.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

I was in a wheelchair for a year, and I hated, hated, hated having to accept help. But there were things I Could Not Do, and I had to learn how to accept help. I won't say that it was a happy, fun experience, but it was a lesson I needed to learn.

I hear you that asking for help sucks. And I'm glad your lessons in learning to accept help have been relatively minor so far. Learn the lesson, so the Goddess doesn't have to bring out the major lessons to teach you this, huh? :-)

[arachne8x.livejournal.com]

Very gentle *hugs*. I've been there about a thousand times in the last year. But you know what, it sucks to even go through it once. But knowing you you'll manage to heal up pretty quickly.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I always have respect for people with chronic pain, but just so much more so when I have some functionally debilitating thing happen. And two right on top of each other like this was just aaagh.

[harimad.livejournal.com]

How do you feel about being asked for or giving help?

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Of course I'm fine with it and delighted to be able to help. Unfortunately, this only barely helps scratch the surface of how much I hate asking sometimes.

[harimad.livejournal.com]

OK,then. Try thinking about it this way: without the opportunity to help you they may be reluctant to accept your help, feeling that relationship may become unbalanced.

I hope you feel better soon. And remember to be more sensible next time.

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Hoping that you're able to heal quickly. I understand your frustration. Glad you've got good folks to help you out right now.

One of the hardest parts of coping with the spinal cord compression is the whole "want my body back, want it to be useful in the ways i need & like". I'm doing much better than expected but it is frustrating and grouchy-making and just all kinds of grr.

Take care.

[cutieperson]

*empathy*

[zsquirrelboy.livejournal.com]

That sort of thing is rotten. I'm really sorry.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

um. yeah. as a chronic-pain person i can only imagine what it must like to be incapacitated for a few days, with people who care to take up the slack...

not that i would wish you any worse -- indeed i hope you feel better asap :)

[spike.livejournal.com]

I want my hand back

*nod*
This.

Coming late to the party...

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

I hope your poor pelt is feeling better now?

[keyne.livejournal.com]

Sympathy.