it's the tiny victories

[moominmolly]

At the triathlon last weekend, when the singer began the national anthem, one or two people faced the flag and put their hands on their hearts, but everyone else was just milling about. Why did that offend me, when I'm sure I've done the same thing a hundred times? But it did. So I faced the flag and put my hand on my heart and stood still -- only to find that I could not keep myself from tearing up and feeling intense anger.

My own national anthem should not make me feel frustrated and furious. But it did. I was reminded of the 2000 election season, part of the Worst Year Ever, and of how this country has made me feel too much anger and shame. I felt despondent and awful, rooted to the spot, staring at a flag that should never have been coopted as a symbol of jingoistic love-it-or-leave-it-ism. But here I am -- I recoil when I see a flag bumper sticker on a car. The national anthem makes me cry.

Five days later, now, and for the first time in years, I'm feeling a bit of hope in a place I genuinely never thought I would, again. I'm not sure what will happen over the next two years, but I can at least tell myself that it might be different.