Navel-gazing, part LXII

[moominmolly]

It's very hard to keep track of your own head. At least, it's hard for me to keep track of mine. What was I really like six or eight years ago? Was I as much like now-me as I tend to think I was, or was I very different? Would I have liked now-me? How have I changed? Is it how I wanted to change? Am I growing into a big stubborn crank, or was I built this way? Am I losing perspective, or gaining it? How did I hold conversations? Was I more shy?

I think that one of the things I miss most about having parents I was close to is that they always had a gigantic, holistic perspective on me and on my life -- and not only that, but they were almost as interested in thinking about my life as I was. (This is clearly not always a blessing. Doesn't mean I don't miss it some.) Now, I cobble that picture together out of things that I remember, and things that dilletante remembers, and things that other people remind me of occasionally. But, y'know, where's my overly-attentive loving objective third-party, so I can ask, "am I bitchier than I used to be?"

Comments

[fishfoo.livejournal.com]

One of the very few advantages of having no really functional memory is that I am spared these concerns. I simply don't remember what I was like six years ago, except in the vaguest of senses. People often tell me stories of one of my exploits and I look at them blankly and say "Huh. Guess you had to be there."

[museplay.livejournal.com]

It's a strong subject, and one I find a struggle. Mostly I can see myself through things I've written. In particular, reading the notes made along the margins of books I've read. Seeing how I reacted to something I read ten years ago can be an eye opening event. It's the closest thing I have to a video tape of my past psyche.

[lcohen]

i think that having huge discontinuities in my life erases some of this for me. i *know* i'm not the same person that i was a year ago at this time. i *know* that i was different before my first divorce, between marriages, during my second marriage. i can point to concrete things that were different about the way that i felt and operated in the world. having these big sea changes does help me mark when each persona fell by the wayside and was replaced by an identical clone with a new persona.

[amare.livejournal.com]

I have been pondering similar things recently in almost exactly the same fashion. Unfortunately I didn't come up with anything witty or inciteful to say about it in time to comment on your post.

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

(a) I'm with fishfoo.
(b) I read the subject as: "navel-gazing, part licksee".  FYI.

oh dear

[dimers.livejournal.com]

licksee? ...

I'm thinking,
"See na 'vel, hear na 'vel, lick na 'vel."

Guess that's what I get for being omphalophilic *and* paranomasiac.

As a serious response, though ... I've wondered aloud the last couple days whether I'm accurately remembering the joy I felt in my collegiate years. Then, driving home today, I *know* I got a little taste of the sensation again -- it felt like an old friend. This time, though, I recognized the root causes of the emotion as being ... er, underinformed. Like I suddenly realized my old friend could be a racist pig, or something.

Don't know where I was going with that, besides "Yup I've been wandering down Comparative Memory Lane myself." =)

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

Navel-gazing, another perspective:

One of the nice (and alarming) things about the internet is that it's now possible for me to google Usenet posts I made about a decade ago. I was relieved to see that, generally, I got the impression that I'd still get along pretty well with ten-years-younger me, if I ran into him.

For the longest time I wasn't sure if I really *changed* that much from decade to decade. My internal voice has never changed, if that makes any sense--when I think to myself, it's exactly what I heard when I was 6 or 12 or 21. But now I remember energy levels that I used to have, how fast my mind jumped around when I was in high school, and it seems like I've slowed down...but am I really remembering how I was on an average day, or just on my very best ones?