moominmolly | three things make a post

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Why did nobody ever tell me that tea is so much better than coffee? The little cafe near my gym has a blend called "Somali Tea", which is some random black tea with cardamom pods in it, and I drank that with cream while taking the train to work and I felt extremely Right.

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I am not always a saintly parent. I love Natalie fiercely, but sometimes my patience is short. I snap at her. I have petty arguments about things that don't matter, because I forget that they don't matter. I do things I'm not proud of. It's my job to find the graceful and harmonious way out of a situation, but sometimes I just don't have the tools at hand and things suck. Sometimes things suck a lot. I wish that for just one day I could hear my mother say, oh, honey, it's okay. I did that to you, too. It's okay.

In the meantime, it's really, really good to have a husband who understands, and a child who can say, "I'm sorry, I really wanted to listen but my body wasn't listening to me and I don't know why." Yeah. I've been there. Sometimes I don't know either.

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Which should I do: 100 days of pictures, with one taken and posted every day, or 60 days of portraits, one posted every day, but with portraits taken in batches? There are benefits and drawbacks to both, from this side; which would be more interesting to see?

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You've already done the 100-pictures thing a couple of times, so I say do the portraits!

Ditto this!

I'm tempted to play along, too.

Yeah? I'm thinking of starting Dec. 1, if you want to be in sync with me.

Would that make this more fun for you, or be intrusive? I want an honest answer and really wouldn't be offended if it's the latter.

I did the 100 days in sync with

cuthalion for two years and loved it, and one year we did it out of sync and it was weird. It would be cool with me if it was with you.

Still thinking of starting today? If so, I have.. uh..... one ready. And can scrounge tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I'll do ... something. :)

I try not to be _too_ pushy in my tea-vangelism, but… yeah. It totally is. :)

I agree that you should do a portrait thing… (and I'd happily volunteer for it, too. ;)

When I go to museums, one of my very favorite things to go look at is portraits of people. It's like being in a room full of flashes of personalities.

All that is to say... I vote for portraits!

Oh, portraits!

Your Somali tea sounds like a fancier version of the Persian brand that is my staple for waking up in the morning. Excellent with cream, and superior for dunking.

I have so much respect for anyone who can spend more than a couple of hours with a young child without snapping. If I lived with one, I would be in a constant state of ennervation.

I'm certainly no substitute for your mom, but I've found it helpful to hear from other moms...

... we do it too. I lose my temper and yell; I clench my jaw and give "the look" that I know puts the fear of god into them; I get into stupid power struggles, etc., etc.

Hang in there. It'll be ok.

What she said.

We *all* loose our tempers sometimes.
Even with people we adore.
Even with children who often need extra patience.
You know what? As someone who continues to work with small children, at the end of the day I tell myself, "I'd rather loose my patience and snap ever so often, but then be a good example in term of saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it, then never snapping at all."
Because the former, not the later?
More realistic, and more human.
It's okay to make mistakes, provided we 'own' them, and take responsibility.

Thank you for sharing - I'm quite guilty of it too. I'm getting better in working with my wife to extract myself from the situation before my anxiety issues cause me to snap and go overboard but I'm far from being a truly good father when it comes to that.

You at least have the presence of mind to know when it's happening, to have a supporting husband and a child who has awareness. All-in-all a good and desired combination.

I love tea and coffee both for different reasons. I'm on a chai kick right now that's making me pretty happy in the afternoons, but I love morning coffee.

Also, I join the chorus for portraits!

a child who can say, "I'm sorry, I really wanted to listen but my body wasn't listening to me and I don't know why."

You have a very self-aware and articulate child. (News flash, I know.) I wonder where this will lead her.

portraits!

and oh boy, parenting is like that for me too.

It's important to be a great parent, but I think maybe it's even more important to be able to talk about when we're not. Because we're aren't all the time, and it's really hard to admit it, especially when I see all these other people around me who are clearly perfect parents in every moment of their lives. No way I can compete with that.

It shatters me sometimes when my kids talk about what a great dad I am and I feel like I haven't been. I can't imagine what I did to deserve this.

I am tempted to recommend the 100 days of pictures, but only because I am cranky with myself that after announcing my own portraiture project like a YEAR AND A HALF ago, I've only gotten around to doing one person. And that's not really a good reason. Because I'd love to see the portraits you'd do. :-)

Want to take pictures of me?

YES!

I have memories, not specific but general, of my parents sometimes being less than saintly and even with or around me when I was a kid, and I still think they were awesome at parenting in general and I always knew they loved me more than I could imagine.

If you aren't a human being around your kid, your kid will not know how to deal with human beings. I am not advocating a pedagogical full display of the worst of humankind every day, of course. But I don't want a kid who never gets mad or upset, because sometimes there are reasons to be. I don't want a kid who is afraid or frozen if I (or someone else they love) am mad or upset. And so when I'm mad or upset or things are otherwise sucking, or shortly thereafter, I try to talk about it, and apologize if something I did warrants it, and tell her I love her.

I try! I try to talk about it when it happens. And all I can do is try to do the right thing and, when I screw up, try to talk about it afterwards. I also try to acknowledge when I've put her into a really difficult situation (like, say, a quiet funeral service after a long, dressy viewing with no other kids around and nobody willing to run around and play).

Do you have memories of how your parents were when you were growing up? If they were not always perfect but were globally great, could that be read as a secret hidden message for you, for when you grow up, that you're doing okay with N.?

That might be the best thing I've ever read.

On the tea tip: have you tried rooibos (South African red bush)? It's not like coffee except that it works well with milk. It walks this weird line of not being like an herbal tea (it's got heft) yet being unrelated to Chinese tea leaf lineages. It has no caffeine, so it may not suit you as a morning kick. I find it's wonderful as a deskside hot thing.

I carried a Ziploc bag full of rooibos around France. This turned out to be a sanity-inducing tool when I'd been traveling all day and didn't know anyone. I didn't want to drink caffeine and suddenly inflict hyperness on random people. I could sit down, warm up and build the perspective necessary to enjoy myself again.

I have! It's wonderful. I just got some to drink at home, too.

I love tea and coffee differently. I like that I can drink tea all day (up until my no-caffeine hour of 4pm, at least) and not get overly hyped up. I like the variety of flavors. I like that I can enjoy it with or without milk/cream, which is not yet true of coffee. And I also really like that tea comes mixed with different spices as a matter of course. Why don't we do that with coffee, anyway?

I wish you could hear that from your mom, too.

And, finally, although I, of course, will enjoy either photo project, I think I vote for portraits because it takes you in a different direction. Although it does mean fewer photos, so selfishly ... ;)

If it helps, I do that too and both of my kids are still in one piece.

Cardamom makes everything good, especially with cream. Mmmmmm. Remind me about the persian love cake sometime.

It does help. You're one of those parents I love to have around me as a model and a checkpoint.

In re parents not being saintly:

In my prior line of work I encountered a lot of kids, and a lot of parents. So I feel confident in saying this:

All parents screw up some. Nearly all kids are very resilient around small-to-moderate-to-even-kinda-striking screwup, and turn out OK. The sorts of parental screwups that kids are not resilient around are all on the other side of lines that most people find very bright ("it's bad to be bitter, crazy, and alcoholic", "it's bad to constantly compare your younger child to your older in a way that makes it clear he never measures up", "it's bad to have a divorce so virulent you can't even be peacefully in the same room a decade later"). I am not concerned about you ending up on the other side of these lines!

I couldn't agree more.

Try loose-leaf Chai, esp paired with vanilla almond milk! It's heavenly...

I know a lot of other people have commented to this effect, but I think you don't have to be a perfect parent to be a good parent. To me, the fact that you talk about it with N is amazing, and will go a long way toward leaving her with good memories of growing up even if a certain event went less than perfectly. Your honesty about the process, both with us and with her, is gorgeous to behold.

Anecdotally, I distinctly remember times when my mom was a downright shitty parent, but I also NEVER doubted that she loved me and would be there for me. I turned out all right, with the added bonus that mom and I have been able to talk about that stuff now, as adults, and not kill each other over it. :p

I wish I had something profound and pithy to offer. I don't. But I'm here and listening. FWIW I think that you're one of the best parents I know (and I do read all the LJ posts and have some basis for opinion). No parent is ever, ever perfect. The fact that N is so fabulous speaks volumes about you and D are her parents and about everyone else as her Village.

Honestly, I wish my mom were more like you. ;-/

I love both coffee and tea if they're well prepared. I go through periods of one or the other. Right now, I'd have a hard time saying any tea is as good as a cup of Green Mountain's Dark Magic, but that's bound to change. :)

i love the way you capture people, so i vote portraits. i like the random shots too, and the nature, but i can't imagine doing a portrait project is going to make those completely disappear, so.

> Why did nobody ever tell me that tea is so much better than coffee?

I think I tried to tell you, years ago, and you wouldn't listen.

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yum, tea!

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