My parents respected my room as my space. It was up to me to clean it or not clean it as I chose, but if I wanted it to get vacuumed when everything else did I needed to get everything off the floor in some manner for that. It worked really, really well. No power struggles of any sort, and I started keeping it tidy in my own way at a very young age, which evolved over time as I got older. (I'm suspect they actually helped me a lot for many years when I was little, but I don't really remember that. I just remember it as my space that *I* got to control, which really mattered to me.)
As an adult looking back on this I note two things:
I strongly prefer a tidy physical space, so suspect I was probably internally motivated to keep it clean just by nature of my temprament. (Then again, it was never, ever, ever a power struggle. If it had been maybe I wouldn't have been so internally motivated to keep everything tidy so young and so consistently throughout my life. Or maybe I would have regardless, at least eventually.)
I was never allowed to bring food or drink in there (or really out of the kitchen until I was older than my oldest kid is now) essentially to circumvent the issue of worrying about anything that might be a sanitation issue.
Now, jumping to parenting, it is clear my older kid *really* wants his room to be tidy. He expresses a lot of frustration when it isn't and is pleased when it is. He is also utterly scattered and easily distracted, needing *a lot* more direction than most kids his age in general. Until he doesn't, and then he is completely focused on a task and *very* distressed if interrupted. (His highly experienced first grade teacher noted that she had never nearly seen such pronounced ADHD in a student, so this is not exactly a surprise.)
Tempramentally, I have been known to say that he is even more like me than me. Control of his own space is seriously important to him. Immensely. (I also strongly believe that once out of early childhood most people need some physical space that is just theirs and that they control. One's own room may not be practical in many families, but even a drawer or a box can be really emotionally important. We have managed his own room for him for now, and have a strategy so we can eventually give each kid their own within our fairly small apartment.)
He doesn't even remotely actually have to ability to clean and tidy on his own yet, even though he is highly motivated. (At school he still needs all sorts of supports to stay focused on work many kids could do independently several years younger than him. This is similar.) He *wants* to clean his room (and the whole house actually) but is still learning what that entails. He will often come up to me and say he wants to clean. Sometimes I work with him, but I also discreetly put things back in the places I know he wants them when he isn't there. That way he isn't so overwhelmed he melts down and can't utilize the skills he has when not overwhelmed.
I am essentially modifying what my mom did so successfully with me for his particular needs and challenges. It isn't always perfect. I struggle a lot with how much I feel I invade his space when he isn't even there, but I also know that I am doing so to set it up so it isn't so overwhelming for him and he *can* work with me (and eventually on his own) to maintain his space the way he wants it. It is a work in progress and I am still figuring it out as I go.
no subject
As an adult looking back on this I note two things:
I strongly prefer a tidy physical space, so suspect I was probably internally motivated to keep it clean just by nature of my temprament. (Then again, it was never, ever, ever a power struggle. If it had been maybe I wouldn't have been so internally motivated to keep everything tidy so young and so consistently throughout my life. Or maybe I would have regardless, at least eventually.)
I was never allowed to bring food or drink in there (or really out of the kitchen until I was older than my oldest kid is now) essentially to circumvent the issue of worrying about anything that might be a sanitation issue.
Now, jumping to parenting, it is clear my older kid *really* wants his room to be tidy. He expresses a lot of frustration when it isn't and is pleased when it is. He is also utterly scattered and easily distracted, needing *a lot* more direction than most kids his age in general. Until he doesn't, and then he is completely focused on a task and *very* distressed if interrupted. (His highly experienced first grade teacher noted that she had never nearly seen such pronounced ADHD in a student, so this is not exactly a surprise.)
Tempramentally, I have been known to say that he is even more like me than me. Control of his own space is seriously important to him. Immensely. (I also strongly believe that once out of early childhood most people need some physical space that is just theirs and that they control. One's own room may not be practical in many families, but even a drawer or a box can be really emotionally important. We have managed his own room for him for now, and have a strategy so we can eventually give each kid their own within our fairly small apartment.)
He doesn't even remotely actually have to ability to clean and tidy on his own yet, even though he is highly motivated. (At school he still needs all sorts of supports to stay focused on work many kids could do independently several years younger than him. This is similar.) He *wants* to clean his room (and the whole house actually) but is still learning what that entails. He will often come up to me and say he wants to clean. Sometimes I work with him, but I also discreetly put things back in the places I know he wants them when he isn't there. That way he isn't so overwhelmed he melts down and can't utilize the skills he has when not overwhelmed.
I am essentially modifying what my mom did so successfully with me for his particular needs and challenges. It isn't always perfect. I struggle a lot with how much I feel I invade his space when he isn't even there, but I also know that I am doing so to set it up so it isn't so overwhelming for him and he *can* work with me (and eventually on his own) to maintain his space the way he wants it. It is a work in progress and I am still figuring it out as I go.